My ex-husband and abuser beat me many times during our 15-year relationship. He left many hundreds of times in anger and with threats of divorce and financial ruin. My abuser cursed me out more times than I can count and lied to me just as much. Sometimes he lied about little, silly things. Sometimes he lied about very large things. Lying was his most common form, in fact.
I used to say, as if I was the only person on the planet trying to figure out abuse, that it was like he had a toolbelt of horrible attacks that he would use against me. I knew why he was using those tools. He was looking to better his position, no matter the circumstance. My abuser, like most abusers, was unable or unwilling to take personal responsibility for anything, so the tools in his belt helped him wiggle out from under blame.
When I look at the well publicized Wheel of Power and Control, I’ve highlighted all the tools that my ex did and still used on me whenever he feels he is in emotional trouble or his sense of control is slipping.
Here is a look at what I’ve experienced beyond the list above: