I’ve had to reeducate myself lately on the cycle of violence for an abuser. As you have read, my ex husband has come on stronger and stronger of late and I am living with some of the fears I did when I was married to him.
I have believed that my ex is under pressure in his current marriage as his wife seeks control and is frustrated by how much control I seemly have in her life. And when he is under pressure, I’ve believed that he looses control of himself and lashes out.
But I have it wrong.
And the cycle of violence wheel has helped me understand again what is really going on and why I have to be careful.
The cycle works like this: The abuser has a violent episode, then there is an absence of violence, then tension builds, then it escalates, then there is a violent episode. In my situation, my ex’s violent episodes (as far as I know) was when we were separated and getting divorced, then he went for a year or two without violence and not much tension, then the tension began building when I started to demand child support owed and held to boundaries regarding the children, now it is escalating as he makes threats to me about the custody, the kids’ schedule, child support. He complains that he is the victim and is being treated poorly. He complains that he is under pressure.
When I look at my ex husband’s behavior in those terms, it worries me at where he will end up. I am not so worried for myself, but for my kids. I hope that his behavior doesn’t continue on the cycle and that he gets some help, but it doesn’t look good. I wish that I could tell his wife that she is in danger too, but she won’t listen to me and will believe that I am just trying to stir the pot.
I am sad that my 11 year marriage with the man who fathered my children is such a pile of bad memories and that in divorce, we can’t find peace and compromise. But, abusers don’t want compromise, unless it means that they get what they want. Abusers choose to hit, threaten and so on because they want control over another person. Abusers don’t care about compromising and give and take, they are only concern about what they can get. They hit so that they can get what they want.
I have made the mistake of trying to work with my ex because I believed that any two people can work things out if they try. But the key word is “two”… and my abuser like most abusers sees only one person.
I recommend this website for more information about domestic abuse, it is really good : http://www.turningpointservices.org/domesticviolence.htm