Victims can learn to understand the play field

Aug. 12, 2013 _ I spent some time this weekend with a friend who is divorcing an emotional abuser and she wanted some advice in putting in writing their parenting plan for their 5-year-old daughter.

As I helped her navigate this complicated form, I was able to relive my journey through family court and the fear and ignorance I had back when I believed the court system would protect myself and my children from an abuser.

Standing in the shower this morning, I realized there was something here worth sharing with all those other women trying to move through family court with an abuser.

(Just a quick disclaimer: I know that don’t all abusers are men, some are women. And I know that all state courts are not the same. My journey was in Florida and it is important to understand your own state laws.)

The first thing to know is that despite any police report or other evidence of abuse, family court will begin the case and hope to stay in a place that believes that both parents are equally entitled to raise the children and that both parents have the same rights to decide how the children are raise.

That is very important to understand. No matter how much you were abused, the family court in Florida wants to believe a falsehood: That a wife abuser can be a good father.

Take a minute to yell about how stupid that sounds and sucks, and then move on. Because, you can’t change that premise, no matter how wrong you believe it to be.

The next part of that premise, is that the family court doesn’t believe that a child should spend more time with the mother than the abusive father. In fact, the family court sort of believes that the fathers in this state have been unfairly treated by mothers and their attorney’s, so they might be bias to cutting them some slack and giving them more importance.

The family court also assumes that mothers are more likely to fight irrationally for control of their babies, like a mother bear who protects her cubs, and that is not necessarily a good thing for the kids. In other words, the court is likely to assume that you are crazy, hypersensitive and unreasonable in protecting your children. They are going to assume that you think your kids are in danger being with your ex because you are an over zealous mother rather than a victim of unthinkable trauma.

And these are the reasons why you need to get it together and in an hurry for court. Because we know that those assumptions are not correct here. Just read through my blog to find one story about just how an abusive man can hurt his kids.

Nevertheless, you have two choices here:

1. Accept this and learn to work within the system or

2. Fight very hard to prove that your ex is dangerous (and by the way, courts, judges, parent coordinators, mediators and even your own attorney do not want you to do this.)

If you choice number 2, you better have a boatload of proof and lots and lots of evidence that your ex has hurt your child in the past. You will also need a lot of money to pay a willing attorney. If you don’t, and really even if you do, the courts aren’t going to like it at all and that means that they are going to question your parenting for having done it.

Courts want to believe that you are willing to finally work with the father of the child now that you are out of the trauma of the marriage.

I know, it is ass-backwards and doesn’t make any sense to a good mother, nor is it easy. And, choice 1 is completely different than choice 2. If you try to go down the choice 1 route, and then switch to choice 2, you look like a liar. If you stay in choice 2, you look crazy.

The only good news is that if you start down choice 2, let’s say with your attorney, switching to choice 1 makes you look like someone who has learned and is willing to accept her situation in the eyes of the court.

Please don’t misunderstand me … this pisses me off to no end. I think the legal system is very flawed and rewards lying and manipulations and doesn’t really deal with what is best for the children, but I learned to accept this and that helped me heal from the trauma and do my best in court.

Abused mothers have a very narrow road to walk through family court and so much is at stake. And my biggest problem with this system is that it further traumatized an abuse victims. Victims have been through hell and are not given a chance to heal and process what has happened to them at the hands of their loved one.

And then, they are thrown into an arena that completely dismisses the abuse, not because they don’t believe them or want to be fair, but because they don’t care. How depressing is that.

Instead abused mothers have to enter court with their abusers and have to wipe away the trauma without help and suddenly pretend that the co-parent on the other side of the room isn’t the guy that beat them senseless. Now that is crazy-making.

And if the mom tries to protect herself from that ass who beat her by keeping distance, she is treated as through she is putting her needs over her child’s.

So, what to do. Learn as quickly as you can to accept it so you can protect your child. It took me therapy, friends and a good lawyer to do get centered enough to handle the court process.

I will write later about how I handled the court system. But, the best thing to do is to find someone who can help you process the unfairness of all of this, because you need to be at your emotional best when facing this process. Good luck and bless you in your efforts.

 

 

I’m changing the name of DV, so that victims will get help

Aug. 9, 2013 _ For 10 years, I was physically assaulted by my then husband and I didn’t believe I was in a domestic violent relationship.

I didn’t believe I need the help of an emergency shelter. I didn’t need the police. I didn’t need anything but answers from someone who figured out our marital problems, so that we would stop having violent incidents.

I believed that I was just as much responsible for the abuse as my husband because I was arguing with him about whatever and I was not able to find peace with my husband. I believed that I was involved in a difficult relationship, equally and maybe mostly, to blame for the downward spiral of our dynamic.

I labeled our relationship “a bad or difficult relationship” that lacked all the good qualities I craved: communications, empathy, understanding, love.

It took a very long time for me to accept that I was in a “domestic violent” marriage and I was the victim of this very common problem.

It took me a very long time to realize that being a victim means that I am not responsible for the abuse I took and I did not cause the assault. I may have played a role in difficult marriage, but I was not the slightest bit responsible for the abuse.

The only person responsible for the abuse was my husband and the reason we had such a difficult marriage is because my husband abused me when he decided abuse was his best offense to get what he wanted when he wanted it.

I was a victim of domestic abuse and that looks a lot like someone who is partly responsible for a difficult relationship.

I was very resentful about being the target, the scapegoat, the punching bag for someone who abuses others. I was hypersensitive to a lot what my husband did because sometimes, what he did really hurt. I was anxious a lot, because I had something to be anxious about. I was paranoid, because someone I lived with would do unthinkable things to me.

I looked a lot like an angry controlling wife to the outside world. I wasn’t though. I was an abused victim in denial and shock about my situation.

I desperately want to reach others, other victims and let them know something they may not want to hear. They are domestic abuse victims, not women (or men) in a difficult marriage.

I keep thinking that the correct term in victims of a traumatic relationship, instead of domestic abuse victims. If we change the name, maybe we will reach more women who know something is really wrong, but don’t know or want to know its domestic abuse.

It seems easier to say you are a victim of a traumatic relationship then to say you are the victim of a domestic abuse.

The key word is victim. Being a vicim of anything means that you were not responsible for what happened to you. I was a victim of violence at the hands of someone who wasn’t suppose to assault me, ever for any reason.

I was a victim exactly the same as if I was the victim of disease. I didn’t bring it on by my behavior. I was blindsided by it.

My responsibility for my own victimization came when I stayed long enough to be hit again. And that is also where it ended. My angry self didn’t cause abuse. I wasn’t in some dance that caused abuse.

I happened to marry an abuser, something I did not know when I got married and got pregnant by an abuser. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t earn it. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time by no known action on my part.

For all of those victims who think they have to change some behavior, you do, but it is not the behavior he or others are telling you. You need to accept that you are not the reason why you are hit and therefore, you can’t be the reason why he will stop hitting you.

You can make it much more difficult for him to hit you, you can leave and put a very big locked door between you. You can go to the police. You can speak out and let everyone in your life know that you are getting hit.

That is your best hope to make it stop. But, you go ahead and call him an ass, he is. You go ahead and call him a criminal, he is. You go ahead and be mad that you were hurt by him. Who wouldn’t be.

And when you come to accept that you are not just in a bad relationship, you were hooked up with an abuser and you can be OK again. Hang in there.

Accepting my journey, my abuser and who I am

Aug. 4, 2013 _ Today, I’m sitting on my sunny back porch, tapping away on my laptop and enjoying the birds flying around my back yard.

My children are with me, safe and sound. My abuser is no where near me.

I am content today and not afraid and when I am feeling this way, I’m grateful.

I don’t always feel this way.

As you know, my ex-husband and the father of my children is an abuser and likely a narcissist, who has spent years and years lashing out at me in so many horrible ways. The worst experience by far, even worse than being strangled, was a frivolous custody suit he filed against me 5 years after our divorce. I was never so scared as I was in those months during that suit.

I had to imagine a future that sent my innocent boys to live the majority of the time with my abusive ex-husband, who has never done anything solely for the sake of his children unless it also suits his needs, narcissistic supply or was some necessary variable in some fabricated plot he was spinning.

But, all of that is past me now, or I should say FOR now. Who knows when he will strike against me or my children again.

I’ve learned, after 20 some years of life with an abuser, that I don’t control his actions in the slightest and therefore, I never know when he will attack again.

I accept that there is nothing I can do to alter my ex-husband’s choices, though for years I believed that I could. He is who is he is, a very dysfunctional and dangerous man, to himself and others and the best I can do is avoid him at all costs.

I used to try to “get back” my life before abuse and get back on the path I wanted to be on … marriage, grandchildren, growing old together …. yada yada yada.

I know now that my path is different than that. And finally, I’m OK with that.

I am grateful.

My path today includes lawyers, counselors, parenting plans, and careful walks with children who are confused by their family.

My path today includes learning to live well despite having PTSD. My path today includes feeling the feelings I have tried to stuff for so many years.

My path today is more about acceptance than I’ve ever had before.

I am a strong woman who is a survivor and I continue to find the good twisted up on this journey.

God, thank you for my children. Wow, I’m glad they are here. The abuse I took from their father sucked, but is so outweighed by the delight of these kids.

I set out today, with new resolve to work hard on this issue that faces our country. I want to spread the word, with other victims today, that domestic abuse needs to stop.

It starts with legislation that prevents abusers to have custody of their kids and prevents forced contact with victim and abuser. It includes shaming the abuser by his or her peers so that they don’t believe they can get away with it any more.

The path I am on now is one that includes pulling together as many people as I can to help end this horrible crime and put families back together.

Together, we can make a difference. Together our voices matter. Together, we victims of abuse, we survivors, can let others know that domestic abuse should not be tolerated anymore.

 

How to stay discounted when the narcissist falls

Aug. 2, 2013_ For years I have worked to find emotion health, recover from domestic violence and abuse and live with the challenges of parenting with my abuser and narcissist.

It hasn’t been easy, as any of my posts show.

Now, I am moving through another turn of events. My abuser, who has spent the last 20 some years manipulating me in one way or another, has lost his very large, high-paying, status job and he has been deflated for the time being.

And today, I am struggling to stay discounted and emotionally flat about the news. Much to my surprise, it isn’t easy.

I had hoped that news of my abuser’s ups and downs in live would have no effect on my life, because I was so healthy that I would have only a small reaction, if at all, to his news.

Unfortunately, I’ve had more than that. I have decided to write about that which I wish wasn’t true about my feelings.

First, when I heard that my abuser, who has flaunted his “fame” and wealth over me and my children for years and projected a false degree of entitlement, had been fired, I felt a faint sense of relief and anger.

And here, I want to thank and apologize to those who are reading this. Thank you for taking the time to read about my life and I’m sorry for then next few graphs that probably won’t help any of you in your struggles.

But, I am mad as hell and I want to feel it so I’m going to try to write it.

My ex-husband has spent most of his years as a nationally known sports writer using his fortune to harass me with law suits, accusatory emails, undermining actions with our children, involving his wife in our business, hiring teams of lawyers to attack me, and worst of all, fucking with our children’s minds.

My ex told my 18-year-old that he had to go to an expensive, private status college and that he would pay for it. Now, as our child is about to head off to school, my ex is without a job and we have a bill for almost $30,000 that has yet to be paid.

I think he will pay for the first semester, but I doubt he will pay for the second. And that leaves my child twisting in the wind.

I’m mad because I knew this was coming and spoke up to my ex, my child and our parent coordinator about this and wanted a plan B. But, I was demised _ even by the trained parent coordinator.

I’m mad because my child is about to learn a very difficult lesson in life and I can only hope that he comes out OK.

I’m mad because my ex is a terrible father who puts his own need for attention and status ahead of what makes the best sense for our child.

I’m mad because that asshole spent $30,000 on legal fees to sue me for custody and for all that trouble, we ultimately came to a settlement, just the two of us at a table, alone, no lawyers, that gave him two extra nights a MONTH with the kids. Had he not wanted the fight in order to feed his ego, he would have a second semester paid for.

I’m mad at a stupid system that allows a bonehead father to play around with children’s lives for no reason other than to feed his narcissist supply and a legal system’s false sense that it is helping families.

I’m mad because my ex sucks.

I’m also relieved. How? Because my ex has been more focused on his own crisis than me and that he has left me alone. I haven’t gotten the weekly angry emails from him. And I am pretty sure he is leaving my kids alone, too. At least he has left our minor child alone.

As a typical victim of longterm abuse, I think about how this will effect my future. I spend time, maybe too much time, looking ahead and trying to figure out how events could play out so that I’m emotionally, legally, financially prepared.

My prediction here is that two outcomes are most likely: 1. My ex gets another job in a different town, likely far away and leaves or 2. He stays unemployed and stays living 3 miles away from me, but without the means to harass me.

In any case, my ex will likely stop harassing me for at least a while. His actions are likely to flip now, as he tries for sympathy.

But, all of this to say, I am upset because I have spent any time thinking about this, writing about it, talking about it. I hate that I am still connected to the ups and downs of my abusive ex-husband.

Obviously, I still have a ways to go to be healed.

I so want to focus on my own life and not his. I want no contact for real. But, trying to anticipate what he will do next has been a part of my life for so long, it is hard to break.

I am grateful that I have this blog and for Google! I have Googled more than a dozen times in the last few days, how to deal with this. As I read about narcissists, domestic abuse and PTSD, I know that I am not alone and I know that I can get there.

So, as I end, I’m feeling better. I will push away from my laptop and go take a walk and try to think about my life, and what I want to do with my current, if only temporary, freedom from my abuser.

If you think you might be in an abusive relationship …

If you are reading this and your thoughts keep pulling you in one direction _ that something is truly wrong with your relationship beyond your understanding, then please keep reading.

Click here to read the signs of an abusive relationship.

No one wants to believe they are in an abusive relationship. No one wants to face this horrible pain. You might be in denial about the quality and state of your relationship.

I’m writing to you women (and of course male victims) this morning to tell you that you must work to face the truth, your life is at stake.

Here are somethings you might be telling yourself in order to stay in denial and hold out hope that your partner is not an abuser:

  • You love him
  • He is fine most of the time
  • He only gets mad when I get upset with him
  • He only gets physical when I yell at him
  • We have a difficult relationship and it is both of our faults
  • I need him
  • I don’t want to loose our life together
  • He can’t be an abuser … ┬áhe doesn’t drink or look the part or is too smart or … fill in the blank
  • If I were ….. fill in the blank … he wouldn’t abuse
  • We need more therapy
  • I need to follow the advice of my friends, pastor, family, my partner, self-help book, or … fill in the the blank
  • He is my children’s father
  • My children need him
  • This is as good as it gets

I ask you to read through my blog and if you can relate to any of it, then you most likely are with an abuser. The hard truth is that you will need to get out of it. There is no way, or magic therapy that will change him or the abuse.

You can’t change yourself, your behavior, your choices or anything that will make him stop abusing you. He is not abusing you because of your choices no matter what he is telling you. He is abusing you because of his choices.

And a person, man or woman, who will abuse another is not a person who understands or wants to give love. And you deserve a shot at finding someone who will really love you and knows how.

Unfortunately, there are many, many people in this world who do not have the capability to love. Capability is different that ability. Ability means that one may acquire the skill with training. Capability means that they have the capacity to learn it. Abusers do not. For a variety of reasons within their own souls, abusers have shut down or never had the capability to love you or anyone.

You have found a person who will hurt you without blinking, even if he is telling you he is sorry. The next time he has a choice to abuse or not to, he will be more likely to abuse. He is addicted to the quick fix of abuse and there is no 12-step treatment for this addition.

You have to ask yourself if you can continue living with this, because the abuse won’t stop, ever.

You have to ask yourself if this is want you signed up for and if not, can you accept this union knowing that you are  very vulnerable within this relationship.

If you are ready to face the truth that leaving is the only way out, then breath. It is going to be OK. Hard, but OK. And you can do this.

You need to focus your energies in getting out safely and setting up your future in the best way available to you.

First, if you are married, call an attorney, a good one who understands domestic abuse. Then call your domestic abuse crisis center, if your community has one. Tell your story to each and listen to their advice.

If you share the same home, secretly begin to collect things that can help you get out. Money, clothes, paperwork, documents, etc. Start to quietly create independence. Enroll in school. Buy a car. Get a job if you can.

Get documentation of the abuse if you can. Keep a diary, hidden of course. Tell a friend about the abuse. This is hard, but it will help you in the future. Tell your family.

Get into therapy and talk about the abuse.

Read a lot about abuse. It will help you understand what is happening and calm your fears that you are alone. You are not. And you are not crazy. Abuse is real, common, and devastating. You are a victim of something as if you were in a car accident or got ill.

Realize that your journey out will take effort, be bumpy and will take time. It is a process to emotional health after living in an abusive relationship, but you can do it and on the other side, it is so much better. And without a doubt, you need help. There are people who can help you. Once you start to tell what is happening, look for people who respond with love, understanding, a compassion. Stay away from those who ask you “why did you stay for so long?” or “maybe you should give it another try.”

If you have children with your abuser, then you must be very careful in what you say and do. And your first step of this process is to seek TRAINED domestic abuse counselors. Your crisis center is the most likely place to find proper help.

Most state courts do not understand domestic abuse and treat it as if it is the result of high conflict in the relationship and therefore, won’t want to take sides. Of course, that is wrong, but it is the way it is in court.

So you must find your inner peace and quiet your mothering instinct to protect your children at all costs. We have all said at one time or another “I would never let my children get hurt by….” Unfortunately, you will not have control over a lot of normal parenting responsibilities if your abuser decides to use the kids as a way to abuse you further.

Simply by filing a custody suit, your abuser has abused you again. The court will inadvertently begin to abuse you by taking matters into their own hands and require that all parenting decisions you make be weighed against laws and rules it imposes. This is unnatural to most mothers and hurtful and traumatic to all victims. But, you will need to accept this so you can find the path and strength to get you and your children through it.

The good news about the court is that it is predictable, unlike your abuser. So the quicker you learn about how family court works, the quicker you will see the pitfalls and avoid them. This is how you can really protect your children.

It is very unfair that you are now parenting with the court, lawyers, judges, parent coordinators, and so on, simply because your partner is an abuser. But, until the family laws change, this is the playing field.

Hang in there and keep moving forward. You are going to be OK and so are you children. I’m sorry for your tears and fears, but you deserve a real shot at a peaceful life. You deserve to live and to used a coined phrase, it gets better.

It really does.

You can recover from abuse, not without scars, but you can find peace and joy again. Please try to get there. You are worth it and you are special just the way you are. My prayers are with you.

Who wants to name their bad relationship “abusive”?

There are thousands of women, and men, out there living a silent hell in horribly abusive relationships, marriages and unions who haven’t let go of the hope for a happy life with their abuser.

These victims don’t want to face the truth about their partners because they don’t want to give up the hope for a loving relationship and for remarkably simple reasons, they believe their abusers are their only chance.

Victims tell themselves a variety of excuses for the abuse that keep them in the relationship. They believe:

  • Their partner has some sort of illness or condition like bi-polar or aneurism that is causing the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde behavior;
  • They themselves are the cause, by putting high expectations or unreasonable demands on their abuser;
  • That couples counseling will solve the problem;
  • That circumstances are the cause, such as a negative job or difficult childhood;
  • That there is something they can do to heal, fix or make better the relationship/abuser.

And more subconsciously;

  • They are not good enough for better;
  • They are too demanding;
  • They will take any kind of love, no matter how unhealthy or diminished.

The dynamic of abuser and victim is not really complicated but is very misunderstood and is only now being investigated. Here is a great article that sheds light on the dance.

In order for the dance to stop and the dynamic to end, the victim must realize that these are not truths or causes and that the abuser will not change, not without a lot of self-sought help.

Abusers are of course broken human beings who are in their own dance within their thoughts to handle a very deep fear and insecurity. They make the choice to abuse as a way to deal with fear. Victims may see through to the heart of the abuser and have compassion, sympathy, even pity. So, the victim believes that there is something out there that can “cure” those dark and broken feelings within their abuser and they will try to find it.

Victims I know, myself included, decide not to throw away the abuser simply because they abuse. Instead, we held out in the hope that they would and could change.

I spent many years trying to find the trick or answer that would change my ex-husband so that we could have a normal life and raise our children in peace.

I didn’t give up for a very long time, because so much was at stake.

And with each year of failure, my self-esteem, already so damaged, slipped more and more.

My relationship was no where near what I had hoped for and was beginning to believe was impossible no matter what.

I lived in a delusion that controlled nearly every thought I had all because I thought this was my only shot at my dreams and didn’t want to loose it.

I paid a very high price to cling to something that never was. My ex-husband may have been able to fake the part of a husband and partner in love, but he never, not from day one, ever was.

Finally, I began to accept it and the truths about him. That he was completely self-centered and was never going to be a partner. That he would do anything, including hurt me in anyway, to get what he wanted or vend off his deeply inner pain. His fear and desire drove him every minute of his day and there would never be any room for others.

My ex-husband still lives this way, from the bits and pieces of his life that I see through co-parenting. He still abuses me, too, though not physically. I am not a person to him, but no one is. I am a tool that he uses to make himself feel better in the moment.

He doesn’t really care about the future, as much as he cares about himself in the moment.

I left him after 15 years together, 10 years of physical abuse and emotional abuse beyond comprehension. I struggled in disbelieve that anyone could care so little about their wife, mother of their children, another person. I was in shock and denial for a very long time, even after I divorced him.

Finally, I accept the simplicity of the situation: I married an abuser, who likely has a personality disorder that will never be “cured” and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in that dance. I want peace in my life more than the fantasy of the white picket fence life I had in my head. I want peace in my life more than I want a husband. I want peace in my life even more than I want food on my table.

Finally, I accept that there is nothing I can do for my abusive ex-husband except pray for him and those in his path. And it is best that I stay away from him in every way.

Finally, I accept that there is nothing I did to deserve this fate. I tried to make it work with a man who said he loved me and I gave it a very good try. I did my best, that was the choice I made. Then, I made another one. I couldn’t give anymore of my self to this person who would never give back. I didn’t want to be with someone who was so careless about my vulnerabilities. I longed for something real and better, but it was never going to be with this man.

I accept that leaving is messy and has a lot of hurdles. Unfortunately, the courts in most states don’t understand domestic abuse and so therefore add trauma to the already traumatic situation. Unfortunately, I was a stay-at-home mother, years out of the work force, so I had to make my way through the economic hardships that it caused.

I accept that I have traumatic stress from the years of anxiety he put me through and I need to continue to work with excellent therapy to heal from that and I accept that I have to co-parent with my abuser because the family court says I must.

I accept that our society is learning too slowly about domestic abuse and how it works and damages children, families, and even the fabric of our communities.

And, I accept that I am OK despite all the bad stuff. In fact, I am grateful for the life I have, my children, my friends and my successes. I am grateful to have a journey to travel and I am grateful that I have stopped putting energy into trying to get back on some path I thought I was walking.

If you are reading this and think that you might be in an abusive relationship, please get help. You need it and it will be better. If you are reading this and think you know someone who is being abuse, please reach out to them. It will be very bumpy if you do, but you are saving a life, maybe the lives of children. If you are reading this, and you are a lawmaker, please learn about what really does prevent domestic abuse and bring it to your state legislature.

And if you are reading this, and know an abuser, please help by letting them know you know and you don’t condone it. Abusers abuse because they can and have very little backlash for the choice. When they realize that their avenues of abuse are shutting down, that’s when they stop.

Abusers can be “shamed” into stopping. They can not be “loved” into it. It’s that simple.

My life has changed because of the abuse, and that is OK

July 16, 2013 _ Well, it has taken a very long time, but I’m here at a new place, one that finally feels good.

I am a domestic abuse victim and survivor, and I’m still surviving.

I was first abused emotionally by my then-boyfriend, and now ex-husband, in 1990ish. I was first abused physically in 1995, just before the birth of my first child.

My abuser has abused me ever since in many ways. And I have tried for the last 23 years to make it stop and to fix my situation. I wanted to be headed toward the white picket fence, children, long-lasting marriage and happily ever after.

But, I will never get there…. that train left the station a long time ago.

I am on a different path. One that I didn’t realize I was picking and one I didn’t want to be on.

I am a domestic abuse victim and survivor.

I am on a path that hurts a lot and causes sleepless nights and anxiety. I am on a path that sometimes causes confusion and fear. I am on the path that led to me giving my two precious gifts from God an asshole for a father. I am on a path that most people, normal people, don’t understand and many will never want to understand.

I am sometimes, lonely and alone more than I like. I am sometimes in the thick of abuse.

I am forever altered by this abuse. My brain chemistry has changed as a result. My thoughts have been forever changed. My children’s path is changed by this abuse as well and I ache daily for them.

Yet, I’m grateful.

No, not a path I designed on purpose. And yes, I miss the normal path I was on. I have thoughts of longing for what could have been.

But, I’m on a new path. And there are blessings around me.

I’m here.

I’m alive.

I have wonderful children who are doing great.

I have support.

I’m on a new path. I’m a domestic abuse victim and survivor and I’m here to tell you that it is OK.

I’m OK.

And I’m on my way to even being better.

I accept my path. I’m not normal. I’m different than most people my age because of it. But that isn’t bad.

I’ve learned so much about myself because of this journey. I’ve learned so much about people and life because of this path.

We are all on a path that didn’t lead us where we thought we’d go. Some of us ended up in a place that was more than we hoped, some of us ended up in tragic circumstances.

But, some of us are going forward no matter what and using what we learned on the path for good.

We all can.

I hope to explore these feelings further. I am not going to hide this fact anymore. I am a domestic abuse victim and survivor and I am still me, only better.

What does domestic abuse look like ….

Did you have these men in mind?

Chris Brown, singer

Sean Penn, actor, director, Haiti fund-raiser and advocate

Charlie Sheen, actor

Aaron Hernandez, NFL football player

Sean Connery, actor

Eminem, singer

Roman Polanksi, director,

Woody Allen, director, actor

Ike Turner, singer

Mike Tyson, boxer

Harry Morgan, actor

Glenn Campbell, singer

Tommy Lee, singer

Bobby Brown, singer

O.J. Simpson, football player, actor

Wesley Snipes, actor

Darryl Strawberry, baseball player

Jason Kidd, NBA star

John Daley, golfer

Mel Gibson, actor

Yanni, musician

Floyd Mayweather Jr., boxer

Tommy Mottola, music executive

Pete Doherty, rocker

Chad Johnson, NFL football player

Terrence Howard, actor

Deion Sanders, NFL football player

Dennis Rodman, NBA player

50 cent, singer

Josh Brolin, actor

Gary Busey, actor

Nicolas Cage, actor

Jose Canseco, baseball player

Randy Moss, NFL football player,

Eric Roberts, actor

Micky Rourke, actor

Christian Slator, actor

Rob Morrison, TV News anchor

 

 

 

 

 

What does an abuser look like

July 6, 2013 _ If there is one thing I could do to help victims of domestic abuse, of course it would be to pull them away from the abuse … but, that really wouldn’t prevent further abuse, believe it or not.

Abuse is in the control of the abuser, not the victim or anyone else. But, I have learned from my own experience and others’ that abusers abuse because they can get away with it.

Studies show that most abusers are interested in maintaining control and power over someone for whatever reason that makes sense to them …. usually related to the fears created by a twisted sort of low self-esteem/sense of entitlement. Abusers believe that they are entitled to power all the time, but they suspect that they don’t have power because of some short-coming in their actions. Therefore, they are motivated to get power at any cost, including the sinking to moral and ethical lows such as abuse.

They may know that abuse is “wrong” in the eyes of society, but that conflicts with their deep feeling that they can do anything to gain the upper hand in a relationship and should. So, they only physically abuse those who won’t expose it or who will tolerate it. If an abuser hit their boss, they would not get the upper hand in that relationship. They’d get fired and they know that. If he hits his wife, she is not likely to expose it, because she has a vested interest in maintaining the relationship, especially if there are kids or financial dependency.

Abusers are so driven to maintain power and control over others, that they have many, many tricks to do so. Physical abuse is just one way.

It is so important that we understand abusers in our society because in doing so, we have the best chance of stopping it. Our society has the wrong picture in its head about who are abusers. We seem to think that abusers stand out, are poor, are uneducated, are mean and unhappy all the time, and don’t know that abuse is wrong.

But, the facts don’t support that. Most of the people in my life were shocked beyond belief to learn that my ex-husband was abusing me. He is a successfully, nationally known sports writer who is married, pays (mostly) his child support, is on television, radio, knows famous people and can be charming.

He is like that in public. In private, he is shallow, detached, lacks empathy, is self-centered and self-serving, closed and arrogant on his best days. On his worse, he is so deeply offended that his opinions, desires, wishes are not being completely honored that he will yell, hit, insult, and hate his family member.

This is so horrible and confusing for anyone who wants the intimacy of a family relationship. Family members of an abuser struggle with this behavior. We want something difference from him. Me and my children didn’t want to throw away our husband and father. We just didn’t want to be abused.

Abusers are everywhere and we all just keep trying to keep them in the box where we had them. As a wife, I didn’t want a divorce. I wanted a happy family and couple life … so despite the in-my-face evidence that my husband didn’t want the same thing, I kept forcing the facts into compartments that allowed for my fantasy. I wanted a happy marriage with the father of my children … so I had to find a way to make this work with my abuser. I tried years of therapy, relationship books, couples seminars, anger management, abusers intervention group, and on and on…. Until finally, I realized my fate. I wasn’t going to have a happy marriage with the father of my children and every day I pretended that, I was a day closer to death.

My abuser looked normal to everyone, albeit a bit opinionated. My friends and even some of my family want a fantasy too. They want to be free of conflict. Domestic abuse doesn’t allow for that. Holding an abuser accountable, means that you must force yourself out of the fantasy of peacefully co-existing with this person.

My hope is that abuser will find it harder and harder to get away with abusing. That when an abuser is exposed, that we shun him, charge him, offer painful consequences, call him out and hold him and him alone responsible. Only then, will it stop. Today, unfortunately, an abuser can talk his way out of that responsibility and a lot of people buy it.

My ex-husband’s wife bought his story that he only hit me because I was such a bitch that he was driven to hit me and he is so ashamed. She has a vested interested in him being correct. My children want their dad to be great, so they try to sort through the pain of the truth. It pains me to watch it. Our friends who know want to believe that the person they know who is charming and fun and a great dad and husband, only abused because of some dynamic problem that brought out uncharacteristic behavior.

And most people still believe that domestic abuser are crazed monsters who looks and sounds the part. Hollywood paints the picture of this and we believe it. What a disservice to the victims of real domestic abuse.