Nov. 10, 2012 _ I have been writing this blog for more than two years as I try to friggin’ understand my head, heart and actions in the wake of my abuser’s abuse. And it sucks!
I’m so sick of needing to write about the way my abuser treats me and my children and I’m so tired of trying to figure it out. When will it every end!
But, this spot in cyper space has helped me in so many ways. I wake up early most mornings and most mornings since my ex-husband sued me for custody of our two wonderful, teenage children, I replay the events surrounding his actions toward me.
That would make him very happy.
Because as I’m learning, narcissists put people in two groups … those who shower the narcissist with admiration and those who the narcissist can dominate.
There are no other people in their world. If someone doesn’t fit in those two piles, he or she doesn’t exist in the narcissist’s world.
My ex has spent the last two years feeding off dominating me.
I know how that sounds. Like I’m the center of his world. I’m not. I am just the dumb schmuck who happened to provide him with the opportunity to put someone down. Narcissists need to put someone down in order to combat their deep down sense of insecurity. Narcissists need to dominate or be admired in order to feel good about who they think they are.
My ex spent the last two weeks fighting for extra time with our kids that he was not entitled to by our written court order and was ultimately enforced again by our judge. He didn’t ask for extra time. He demanded it as if he was suppose to have it all along. He didn’t have a specific reason. He just wanted it because he said he was owed it.
My ex wrote denigrating emails about my “typical lack of cooperation” and assign motives that were ridiculous when I simply asked him when he wanted our children for his weekend visits. He used that question as an opportunity to launch into a trumped-up argument that involved the judge, our attorneys and parent coordinator. He wrote 20 emails to all involved arguing that he was being slighted and I was a poison in the process just out to get him.
Until suddenly, he reversed course, and changed his mind with no apologies or personal responsibility.
Even after 20 years of my relationship with this man, I am still shocked by his behavior.
And all of this drama and unnecessary use of the legal system, time and cyperspace makes him very happy. He is grand in his own mind and he is proud of himself for having pulled so many people into his orbit. Like any fully developed narcissist.
And as Carly Simon knows, he probably thinks this blog is about him and he is smiling.
My sleepless early mornings are just the icing on the cake for him.
Narcissist need people only as reflectors of their own made up vision of themselves. Causing other’s pain, happiness, whatever, gives the Narcissist the validation that they have power over others. And that is what they seek.
I don’t know what the percentage of abusers are narcissist, but my guess is that it’s got to be high. Narcissist are perfect abusers, because they have no connection to people that is real. They think of people as pawns in their game, moons in their orbit. And who would regret banging around inanimate objects?
According to the trained psychology world, Narcissist are a group of people who are the least likely to be healed. It is an unfixable personality disorder and as they age they only get worse. Because as they age, the reflection they seek isn’t as powerful or relevant.
So, even though I’m tired of this blog. Tired of this constant abuse. Tired of this relationship. Tired of anything to do with my ex-husband. As long as we have children together, I’m stuck with it. And frankly, it could be worse.
So folks, I’m here, writing early in the morning, trying to find my way through this BS obstacle course hoping that one day I will process all of this, heal and move on.
Thanks for reading and thanks to all who have offered me support. Here’s praying for the day that I no longer need to be here.