Narcissists put people in two piles

Nov. 10, 2012 _ I have been writing this blog for more than two years as I try to friggin’ understand my head, heart and actions in the wake of my abuser’s abuse. And it sucks!

I’m so sick of needing to write about the way my abuser treats me and my children and I’m so tired of trying to figure it out. When will it every end!

But, this spot in cyper space has helped me in so many ways. I wake up early most mornings and most mornings since my ex-husband sued me for custody of our two wonderful, teenage children, I replay the events surrounding his actions toward me.

That would make him very happy.

Because as I’m learning, narcissists put people in two groups … those who shower the narcissist with admiration and those who the narcissist can dominate.

There are no other people in their world. If someone doesn’t fit in those two piles, he or she doesn’t exist in the narcissist’s world.

My ex has spent the last two years feeding off dominating me.

I know how that sounds. Like I’m the center of his world. I’m not. I am just the dumb schmuck who happened to provide him with the opportunity to put someone down. Narcissists need to put someone down in order to combat their deep down sense of insecurity. Narcissists need to dominate or be admired in order to feel good about who they think they are.

My ex spent the last two weeks fighting for extra time with our kids that he was not entitled to by our written court order and was ultimately enforced again by our judge. He didn’t ask for extra time. He demanded it as if he was suppose to have it all along. He didn’t have a specific reason. He just wanted it because he said he was owed it.

My ex wrote denigrating emails about my “typical lack of cooperation” and assign motives that were ridiculous when I simply asked him when he wanted our children for his weekend visits. He used that question as an opportunity to launch into a trumped-up argument that involved the judge, our attorneys and parent coordinator. He wrote 20 emails to all involved arguing that he was being slighted and I was a poison in the process just out to get him.

Until suddenly, he reversed course, and changed his mind with no apologies or personal responsibility.

Even after 20 years of my relationship with this man, I am still shocked by his behavior.

And all of this drama and unnecessary use of the legal system, time and cyperspace makes him very happy. He is grand in his own mind and he is proud of himself for having pulled so many people into his orbit. Like any fully developed narcissist.

And as Carly Simon knows, he probably thinks this blog is about him and he is smiling.

My sleepless early mornings are just the icing on the cake for him.

Narcissist need people only as reflectors of their own made up vision of themselves. Causing other’s pain, happiness, whatever, gives the Narcissist the validation that they have power over others. And that is what they seek.

I don’t know what the percentage of abusers are narcissist, but my guess is that it’s got to be high. Narcissist are perfect abusers, because they have no connection to people that is real. They think of people as pawns in their game, moons in their orbit. And who would regret banging around inanimate objects?

According to the trained psychology world, Narcissist are a group of people who are the least likely to be healed. It is an unfixable personality disorder and as they age they only get worse. Because as they age, the reflection they seek isn’t as powerful or relevant.

So, even though I’m tired of this blog. Tired of this constant abuse. Tired of this relationship. Tired of anything to do with my ex-husband. As long as we have children together, I’m stuck with it. And frankly, it could be worse.

So folks, I’m here, writing early in the morning, trying to find my way through this BS obstacle course hoping that one day I will process all of this, heal and move on.

Thanks for reading and thanks to all who have offered me support. Here’s praying for the day that I no longer need to be here.

Do you suspect abuse in a loved-one’s life?

Dec. 1, 2011 _ Do you suspect that someone in your life is being abused? Do they seem numb, depressed, resentful, anxious about little things? Are they sporting bruises? Are they giving you strange stories of their personal life that don’t add up? Are they hinting that something is wrong? Do you know her partner and he is arrogant, distant, acts above it all? Does he seem to always be on the “right side” of arguments? Does he have trouble admitting wrong-doing, defeat in a debate, unwilling to listen to others?

If you think someone is being abused, do something. I know that it is hard and uncomfortable. I know that we would rather not get involved, but you just might save a life if you do.

Yes, your friend or love one might not respond well. In fact, it is highly likely that she will react badly. Victims of abuse by in large seek privacy about the abuse because they are in massive denial about it. Facing abuse is very hard and scary because it means a 100 percent complete life change for everyone. When was the last time you willing decided to completely change your life?

But know that you may be saving a life if you can overcome your fear.

If you are right, you may be the first step your friend takes toward freedom from abuse. It may take a lot more steps to get out, but you may have given her just enough help to make that first step.

If you are right, don’t let the abuser off the hook. Abusers enjoy believing their abuse is private and that they are getting away with it. Abusers want the image that non-abusers have, so they allow themselves to believe that they aren’t abusing. Confront an abuser, and there is a high likelihood that he will stop.

Of course, do not do anything that will compromise your safety or your friend’s. Call 911 if you suspect the abuser will hurt someone again. Call a domestic abuse hotline if you don’t really know what to do. But don’t remain silent. Please.

You could be helping your friend and her kids from receiving another blow.

Abusers are very insecure people and don’t want to face their choice. When they know that you know what they have done, they won’t do it again. Silence is what keeps abusers free to abuse. It is a choice with the desired payoff. But they don’t abuse in front of others, because they would receive an undesirable outcome … the distain of others. My abuser once saw our neighbor through the window while he was hitting me. He stopped immediately and ran out of the house, I guess because he worried that the neighbor had seen him hitting me or heard me screaming and called the police.

It is against our natures to get ¬†involved in people’s private lives and what goes on behind closed doors. But domestic abuse is not a private matter and it is time for it to come out in the open. It is the only way to stop the damage of domestic abuse.

Domestic Abuse is a difficult problem to solve

Nov. 30, 2011 _ My ex-husband has been abusing me in one form or another for nearly 20 years. Within that period was a 10-year period of physical abuse, but the emotional abuse has been on-going and in many ways, much more painful.

We aren’t poor, stupid or friendless. We are “normal” people, who have “made it.”

But, we are not normal.

We have each made a place in this world that includes good jobs, wealth, children, homes, cars, friends and family, and so on. But, that doesn’t change that my life, the lives of my children and I suspect my ex-husband’s life will never been normal.

I live with an almost daily ache that can permeate everything in my life if I let it. In the wee hours of the morning, I can suddenly wake from horrible dreams that involved my ex screaming at me or worse. I rarely get back to sleep after one of those dream as the voice in my head relives some of the more frightening incidents. Sometimes when I am making parenting decisions, I consider how my volatile and jealous ex will react if he knew what I was doing. Sometime my children withhold information from their father because they fear his temper.

I can fall into a depression thinking about my own stupidity that I married this man in the first place or that it seems I will never be free of his abuse, lies and manipulations.

I worry about how he is treating my children and the effect that his mental unhealthiness will have on their minds and hearts as they grow up. I worry that my youngest will get hit by his Dad and I won’t be around to protect them.

Some days I am giddy with happiness that I got out of the marriage, but so sad that I could not give my children two parents in one home. Some days that giddiness slides away when I realize that he has figured out another of my vulnerabilities that he can exploit and the following paranoia can grab me hard.

I worry that his new wife, who reacts so strongly against me, will turn against my children in an effort to combat me. I worry that my ex will throw his own children under the bus to gain ground with his new wife, as he has done to me.

I can spend a whole day battling the need to call my ex and beg for peace or to help him get the emotional help that he needs to get healthy.

I entertain feelings of tread, revenge, anger, resentment, pain, and sadness and of course anxiety that something will happen to me or my kids.

I worry that I am not equipped to parent my kids through the various feelings that they have being the children of a very unhealthy parent.

I worry about my former mother-in-law, who is often the victim of my ex-husband’s rathe and has suffered for years at his hands and sharp tongue. And I worry that my ex is not providing a good example for our children on how to treat people.

I have continued therapy and support groups over the years to help me manage these feeling that sometimes makes me feel exhausted and fed up with dealing with this ongoing problem.

And despite this massive amount of emotional damage, I deal with so many people who “don’t want to take sides” and still seem to think that domestic abuse is some sort of couple’s argument that escalated just a little too far. I watch even lawyers and authority back away from getting involved in domestic abuse because they don’t want to take the time to figure out if the women is telling the truth, despite the statistics that show so few of the cases are trumped up.

I see very smart people, including my ex, who try very hard to compartmentalize his abuse and try to separate it from ¬†all the “good” things he has done. As if the mental illness and internal voice that gives him the right to hit someone, somehow goes away and his not part of his character when he pushes his kids to over achieve or interacts with his second wife or reports to his boss or writes an article about another NFL player who beats up a girlfriend.

I watch some of my own family members get pissed that I have brought out this dirty little secret and no longer keep it behind my home’s front door, where they think it belongs. I have watch some friends turn away from me because they don’t want to believe that the couple they knew was a lie and the reality is ugly and not easy to deal with.

I have had to have the authorities get involved in the parenting of my teenage children because my ex has used the court system to abuse me now that he doesn’t use violence to control me. I know that I’m a good mother, a pretty good one in fact. Involved, thoughtful, a good provider, not perfect, but respectful of my children. But, I’ve been accused of being a bad mother who doesn’t deserve custody by ex and his wife and I had to face them in court more than once as they aggressively attacked me in front of the law.

None of these feelings feel good. In fact, they suck.

Yet, I’m happy. Despite it all, I’m happy. I’m happy that I got my children out of the horrible environment. I’m happy that despite two attempts in court, my ex has not prevailed in his accusations against me. I’m happy that I have so many friends and family members who have stepped up to give their support of me, and have been willing to accept the reality of my family and have not been afraid to get real.

I am grateful to my sister who is the only person in my life who confronted my ex and put him on notice years ago and let him know that she was not going to tolerated his abuse of her family. She has come to my emotional aid in person and on the phone more times than I can count. I am grateful that I have more friends and family members who have supported me. I am grateful to the many bloggers who have shared their stories so that I understand my ex, myself and abuse more than ever before.

I am also hopeful that the laws in this country will change and domestic violence will be treated as it should and those abusers like my ex will be held accountable. So that he will stop.

I am hopeful that no one else will ever go through the pain of domestic abuse and I am hopeful that my life will only get better as I move away from the years of abuse.

I am hopeful that my children will not grow up with mental and emotional illness and will never hit their partners.

I am hopeful that all the agencies and law enforcement will change the thinking of others and realize that abuse is assault and battery, a crime, and very destructive. It is not the result of a wife yelling at a husband or a wife needling a man. It is a horrible choice made by a very unhealthy person that needs to be held accountable for the choice. And frankly, needs to be treated differently than the “normal” person.