Narcissists put people in two piles

Nov. 10, 2012 _ I have been writing this blog for more than two years as I try to friggin’ understand my head, heart and actions in the wake of my abuser’s abuse. And it sucks!

I’m so sick of needing to write about the way my abuser treats me and my children and I’m so tired of trying to figure it out. When will it every end!

But, this spot in cyper space has helped me in so many ways. I wake up early most mornings and most mornings since my ex-husband sued me for custody of our two wonderful, teenage children, I replay the events surrounding his actions toward me.

That would make him very happy.

Because as I’m learning, narcissists put people in two groups … those who shower the narcissist with admiration and those who the narcissist can dominate.

There are no other people in their world. If someone doesn’t fit in those two piles, he or she doesn’t exist in the narcissist’s world.

My ex has spent the last two years feeding off dominating me.

I know how that sounds. Like I’m the center of his world. I’m not. I am just the dumb schmuck who happened to provide him with the opportunity to put someone down. Narcissists need to put someone down in order to combat their deep down sense of insecurity. Narcissists need to dominate or be admired in order to feel good about who they think they are.

My ex spent the last two weeks fighting for extra time with our kids that he was not entitled to by our written court order and was ultimately enforced again by our judge. He didn’t ask for extra time. He demanded it as if he was suppose to have it all along. He didn’t have a specific reason. He just wanted it because he said he was owed it.

My ex wrote denigrating emails about my “typical lack of cooperation” and assign motives that were ridiculous when I simply asked him when he wanted our children for his weekend visits. He used that question as an opportunity to launch into a trumped-up argument that involved the judge, our attorneys and parent coordinator. He wrote 20 emails to all involved arguing that he was being slighted and I was a poison in the process just out to get him.

Until suddenly, he reversed course, and changed his mind with no apologies or personal responsibility.

Even after 20 years of my relationship with this man, I am still shocked by his behavior.

And all of this drama and unnecessary use of the legal system, time and cyperspace makes him very happy. He is grand in his own mind and he is proud of himself for having pulled so many people into his orbit. Like any fully developed narcissist.

And as Carly Simon knows, he probably thinks this blog is about him and he is smiling.

My sleepless early mornings are just the icing on the cake for him.

Narcissist need people only as reflectors of their own made up vision of themselves. Causing other’s pain, happiness, whatever, gives the Narcissist the validation that they have power over others. And that is what they seek.

I don’t know what the percentage of abusers are narcissist, but my guess is that it’s got to be high. Narcissist are perfect abusers, because they have no connection to people that is real. They think of people as pawns in their game, moons in their orbit. And who would regret banging around inanimate objects?

According to the trained psychology world, Narcissist are a group of people who are the least likely to be healed. It is an unfixable personality disorder and as they age they only get worse. Because as they age, the reflection they seek isn’t as powerful or relevant.

So, even though I’m tired of this blog. Tired of this constant abuse. Tired of this relationship. Tired of anything to do with my ex-husband. As long as we have children together, I’m stuck with it. And frankly, it could be worse.

So folks, I’m here, writing early in the morning, trying to find my way through this BS obstacle course hoping that one day I will process all of this, heal and move on.

Thanks for reading and thanks to all who have offered me support. Here’s praying for the day that I no longer need to be here.

5 thoughts on “Narcissists put people in two piles

  1. standing on my own two feet November 10, 2012 / 11:46 am

    Hugs to you!!!! My divorce to an abusive narcissist was finalized in May… and much of what you’ve written, I can totally relate to…and in thinking about it as “those they can dominate and those who shower them with attention”, something made more sense to me than ever before…you are so totally right on!!!!!!!!!! And here’s the thing…it has NOTHING to do with who we are…nothing…

    • Blogger November 10, 2012 / 3:04 pm

      Thank you for sharing and your kind words. And you are so very right … it has nothing to do with us or anyone else. The abuser is in one relationship, the one with himself.

  2. Donna October 17, 2015 / 6:21 pm

    Wow, as I sit here, feeling frustrated and trying to figure out how to react to my ex using my son as a “pawn” and using him to emotionally blackmail me; I while researching co-parenting rules, laws, decisions; stumbled on this blog and all I can say is W- OW!!! You hit the nail on the head. My ex is as nasty and narcisstic as they come. He even manipulated the court system (I had a restraining order against him after he tried to burn the house down, with the kids in it) – to make me sell the roof over the children’s and my heads, lied on his financial then sold the house for a song (escalated the value then pressured me to lower it).. what a mess. Today, he wants to reduce the child support (I am in college, long story, but need the money till I get on my own feet financially – we were together 20 years and I worked hard, sometimes paid, sometimes doing everything necessary in the house while he worked – including shoveling every single snow storm), anyway, not complaining just saying “wow” I read your blog and say “thank God”, it really isn’t me. It’s him. He wants me to reduce the child support and I can’t so what’s he doing – he is refusing to allow me to take our son to the annual “mother son” dance. It’s his way to punish me for not giving him his way. Oh, there have been so many cruel, abusive, evil things he has done – I’ve actually forgotten most of them, cause to hold onto them all would make me “nuts” and I am far from. But, get this, the man who tried to “burn the house down” – tried to convince the court that I had a personality disorder, and because I was angry, upset and reactive – almost convinced them I did. The courts are so messed up. He is so manipulative. I sound nuts, don’t I. Oh the things I could tell you – but everyone wants to put life into this “neat” little package and have a hard time accepting that some men are just downright evil and enjoy causing others pain. So, to that end, I say thank you. I know where you are coming from and your blog is very validating. The man even tried to kill me (but that’s kind of hard to prove and a person can walk right up to you and say “yes, that’s exactly what I was doing” but without proof, they can spin it and say “she’s nuts”. That is kind of the gyst o my situation. Oh, this man who is using our son to try and force me to give up some child support has over 100,000 in the bank. I am a college student, single mother, and doing it all by myself and need this money – he’s the one who delayed me by two years, but none of that matters, lol, it’s what he wants when he wants it and that’s all that matters and God help anyone who disagrees with him, or does not give him what he wants when he wants it. So thank you for sharing your story. It is very validating.

    • Blogger November 24, 2015 / 9:35 pm

      So sorry for all that you are going through. You are in the middle of the storm and it sucks. Hang on. You can make it through this, but get as much support as you can. Narcissist are relentless. Another site you might want to read is divorcedmoms.com Thriving in Crazy Land. More stuff there about tips to handle it.
      Blessings to you and keep reaching out. It’s the only way.

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