My life has changed because of the abuse, and that is OK

July 16, 2013 _ Well, it has taken a very long time, but I’m here at a new place, one that finally feels good.

I am a domestic abuse victim and survivor, and I’m still surviving.

I was first abused emotionally by my then-boyfriend, and now ex-husband, in 1990ish. I was first abused physically in 1995, just before the birth of my first child.

My abuser has abused me ever since in many ways. And I have tried for the last 23 years to make it stop and to fix my situation. I wanted to be headed toward the white picket fence, children, long-lasting marriage and happily ever after.

But, I will never get there…. that train left the station a long time ago.

I am on a different path. One that I didn’t realize I was picking and one I didn’t want to be on.

I am a domestic abuse victim and survivor.

I am on a path that hurts a lot and causes sleepless nights and anxiety. I am on a path that sometimes causes confusion and fear. I am on the path that led to me giving my two precious gifts from God an asshole for a father. I am on a path that most people, normal people, don’t understand and many will never want to understand.

I am sometimes, lonely and alone more than I like. I am sometimes in the thick of abuse.

I am forever altered by this abuse. My brain chemistry has changed as a result. My thoughts have been forever changed. My children’s path is changed by this abuse as well and I ache daily for them.

Yet, I’m grateful.

No, not a path I designed on purpose. And yes, I miss the normal path I was on. I have thoughts of longing for what could have been.

But, I’m on a new path. And there are blessings around me.

I’m here.

I’m alive.

I have wonderful children who are doing great.

I have support.

I’m on a new path. I’m a domestic abuse victim and survivor and I’m here to tell you that it is OK.

I’m OK.

And I’m on my way to even being better.

I accept my path. I’m not normal. I’m different than most people my age because of it. But that isn’t bad.

I’ve learned so much about myself because of this journey. I’ve learned so much about people and life because of this path.

We are all on a path that didn’t lead us where we thought we’d go. Some of us ended up in a place that was more than we hoped, some of us ended up in tragic circumstances.

But, some of us are going forward no matter what and using what we learned on the path for good.

We all can.

I hope to explore these feelings further. I am not going to hide this fact anymore. I am a domestic abuse victim and survivor and I am still me, only better.

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