How to stay discounted when the narcissist falls

Aug. 2, 2013_ For years I have worked to find emotion health, recover from domestic violence and abuse and live with the challenges of parenting with my abuser and narcissist.

It hasn’t been easy, as any of my posts show.

Now, I am moving through another turn of events. My abuser, who has spent the last 20 some years manipulating me in one way or another, has lost his very large, high-paying, status job and he has been deflated for the time being.

And today, I am struggling to stay discounted and emotionally flat about the news. Much to my surprise, it isn’t easy.

I had hoped that news of my abuser’s ups and downs in live would have no effect on my life, because I was so healthy that I would have only a small reaction, if at all, to his news.

Unfortunately, I’ve had more than that. I have decided to write about that which I wish wasn’t true about my feelings.

First, when I heard that my abuser, who has flaunted his “fame” and wealth over me and my children for years and projected a false degree of entitlement, had been fired, I felt a faint sense of relief and anger.

And here, I want to thank and apologize to those who are reading this. Thank you for taking the time to read about my life and I’m sorry for then next few graphs that probably won’t help any of you in your struggles.

But, I am mad as hell and I want to feel it so I’m going to try to write it.

My ex-husband has spent most of his years as a nationally known sports writer using his fortune to harass me with law suits, accusatory emails, undermining actions with our children, involving his wife in our business, hiring teams of lawyers to attack me, and worst of all, fucking with our children’s minds.

My ex told my 18-year-old that he had to go to an expensive, private status college and that he would pay for it. Now, as our child is about to head off to school, my ex is without a job and we have a bill for almost $30,000 that has yet to be paid.

I think he will pay for the first semester, but I doubt he will pay for the second. And that leaves my child twisting in the wind.

I’m mad because I knew this was coming and spoke up to my ex, my child and our parent coordinator about this and wanted a plan B. But, I was demised _ even by the trained parent coordinator.

I’m mad because my child is about to learn a very difficult lesson in life and I can only hope that he comes out OK.

I’m mad because my ex is a terrible father who puts his own need for attention and status ahead of what makes the best sense for our child.

I’m mad because that asshole spent $30,000 on legal fees to sue me for custody and for all that trouble, we ultimately came to a settlement, just the two of us at a table, alone, no lawyers, that gave him two extra nights a MONTH with the kids. Had he not wanted the fight in order to feed his ego, he would have a second semester paid for.

I’m mad at a stupid system that allows a bonehead father to play around with children’s lives for no reason other than to feed his narcissist supply and a legal system’s false sense that it is helping families.

I’m mad because my ex sucks.

I’m also relieved. How? Because my ex has been more focused on his own crisis than me and that he has left me alone. I haven’t gotten the weekly angry emails from him. And I am pretty sure he is leaving my kids alone, too. At least he has left our minor child alone.

As a typical victim of longterm abuse, I think about how this will effect my future. I spend time, maybe too much time, looking ahead and trying to figure out how events could play out so that I’m emotionally, legally, financially prepared.

My prediction here is that two outcomes are most likely: 1. My ex gets another job in a different town, likely far away and leaves or 2. He stays unemployed and stays living 3 miles away from me, but without the means to harass me.

In any case, my ex will likely stop harassing me for at least a while. His actions are likely to flip now, as he tries for sympathy.

But, all of this to say, I am upset because I have spent any time thinking about this, writing about it, talking about it. I hate that I am still connected to the ups and downs of my abusive ex-husband.

Obviously, I still have a ways to go to be healed.

I so want to focus on my own life and not his. I want no contact for real. But, trying to anticipate what he will do next has been a part of my life for so long, it is hard to break.

I am grateful that I have this blog and for Google! I have Googled more than a dozen times in the last few days, how to deal with this. As I read about narcissists, domestic abuse and PTSD, I know that I am not alone and I know that I can get there.

So, as I end, I’m feeling better. I will push away from my laptop and go take a walk and try to think about my life, and what I want to do with my current, if only temporary, freedom from my abuser.

7 thoughts on “How to stay discounted when the narcissist falls

  1. annedeloremusing August 2, 2013 / 8:15 am

    My thoughts to you…one good thing is that you are writing everything done. This is both practical and emotional help – as you have written evidence should you ever need it and emotionally, it helps release some of the pressure. Walking is a great tool to help you plan your next move.

    I wish you and your children well.

    On a practical note; is it possible for you to change parent co ordinator on the ground of her being incredibly stupid at his/her job? I can’t believe she denied a plan B – surely, enough evidence that she is incapable of doing job correctly.

  2. sweetmarie9619 August 2, 2013 / 8:33 am

    Your emotions in relation to your children are natural. After all, you are above all else a mother who loves her children, wants the best for them in life, and wants them to be happy, well-adjusted adults who have hopefully learned from their father how NOT to parent and how NOT to treat the person they choose as their partner in life. You don’t want to see your children be disappointed or hurt at the hands of their father, so it’s natural that something like this would arouse conflicting and strong emotion within in.

    You are human. The question is not whether or not you have these feelings, but rather what you DO with them that will either discourage you and your children or uplift and bring you all closer together. If you try to remain disjointed from emotion, it will seek you out and force you to confront it at one point or another. The longer you try to choke it down and hold it in, the worse it will be when it does come home to roost.

    I feel fortunate that, unlike so many stories of survivors I have read, I neither had children before not with Kevin, so this is one facet of severing an abusive relationship that I do not have to worry about. I can only imagine the amount of stress and disappoinments you and your children have had to endure at the hands of their father over the years, and I have to say that I am encouraged by the strength and perseverence it takes to continue on with life even in the face of this rollercoaster. You are all testaments to what it means to truly be a mother in every sense of the word and serve as examples to those around you.

    As for helping your children, I cannot give you advice as a parent. But I can say this. I was attending college online when I met my abuser. This was something I was eventually forced to give up, because he accused me of having flings going with professors and male students who in some cases lived a thousand miles away, or more. He was also jealous of the time I put into my studies, so he punished me and refused to allow me to complete my assignments. And I had to quit.

    This was devastating to me at the time, and I had no one that I could talk to about it. My family didn’t really seem like they cared all that much, and I was left desperately searching for someone to talk to who just listen to how I feeling so I didn’t feel so isolated. Now I am at a different point in my life, and my priorities have changed. However at the time, it cut me to core of my being.

    My only suggestion in this regard is something I am sure you already have practice doing when it comes to their father. Give your child your ear, let them ask you questions, and hear their feelings. They need to know that one of you continues to support and be there for them no matter what. I know it may not be an ideal situation, but you can sit down together and brainstorm some ideas on how they maybe can still achieve their degree… applying for grants and scholarships, every one that your child may be remotely eligible for, simply because so many don’t take the time. Look into financial aid programs through the university, and also look into going to a less expensive school and transferring.. There are so many options that can help reduce costs so your child does not have to give up on reaching their goals.

    Healing. This is a tricky word for us. I am not sure we ever completely heal. Some scars just go too deep, and there isn’t anyone on this earth that can understand except those who live(d) it. In cases like yours, however, you have not ever really had an opportunity to heal without interference, because your abusers has remained in your life and continuously acting in a manner to impede your progress and keep you in a state of agitation. So give yourself some credit. You are a wonderful human being who has continued on with life and raising your children despite everything.

    In love and support,

    • Blogger August 2, 2013 / 5:15 pm

      Thank you Amy. I read each word of your post and I am so grateful for it. As I read, I realized that yep, its bad, but its not the end of the world. My son and I will find the way to his education. I will begin to research aide and scholarships. I know that he will get one if he needs it.

      My healing … hell, you said it all and wonderfully. It’s hard to heal when the hurts keep coming. But, fact is, I’m OK. I will keep feeling and healing and moving on. My emotional health has been saved by people like you and in my life who care and let me know it.

      Thanks for staying connected!

      • sweetmarie9619 August 2, 2013 / 6:27 pm

        Julie, it may not be the end of the world, but it’s so easy how the thought “oh now what?” can enter into your mind. I think for you as a mother, it must be especially difficult, because your children are also affected by everything he does, and if they hurt or suffer in any way, you feel it as well… I just wanted to give you some encouragement. 🙂 We all need it!

        Thank you for letting us into your life by sharing your story.

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