Aug. 2, 2013_ For years I have worked to find emotion health, recover from domestic violence and abuse and live with the challenges of parenting with my abuser and narcissist.
It hasn’t been easy, as any of my posts show.
Now, I am moving through another turn of events. My abuser, who has spent the last 20 some years manipulating me in one way or another, has lost his very large, high-paying, status job and he has been deflated for the time being.
And today, I am struggling to stay discounted and emotionally flat about the news. Much to my surprise, it isn’t easy.
I had hoped that news of my abuser’s ups and downs in live would have no effect on my life, because I was so healthy that I would have only a small reaction, if at all, to his news.
Unfortunately, I’ve had more than that. I have decided to write about that which I wish wasn’t true about my feelings.
First, when I heard that my abuser, who has flaunted his “fame” and wealth over me and my children for years and projected a false degree of entitlement, had been fired, I felt a faint sense of relief and anger.
And here, I want to thank and apologize to those who are reading this. Thank you for taking the time to read about my life and I’m sorry for then next few graphs that probably won’t help any of you in your struggles.
But, I am mad as hell and I want to feel it so I’m going to try to write it.
My ex-husband has spent most of his years as a nationally known sports writer using his fortune to harass me with law suits, accusatory emails, undermining actions with our children, involving his wife in our business, hiring teams of lawyers to attack me, and worst of all, fucking with our children’s minds.
My ex told my 18-year-old that he had to go to an expensive, private status college and that he would pay for it. Now, as our child is about to head off to school, my ex is without a job and we have a bill for almost $30,000 that has yet to be paid.
I think he will pay for the first semester, but I doubt he will pay for the second. And that leaves my child twisting in the wind.
I’m mad because I knew this was coming and spoke up to my ex, my child and our parent coordinator about this and wanted a plan B. But, I was demised _ even by the trained parent coordinator.
I’m mad because my child is about to learn a very difficult lesson in life and I can only hope that he comes out OK.
I’m mad because my ex is a terrible father who puts his own need for attention and status ahead of what makes the best sense for our child.
I’m mad because that asshole spent $30,000 on legal fees to sue me for custody and for all that trouble, we ultimately came to a settlement, just the two of us at a table, alone, no lawyers, that gave him two extra nights a MONTH with the kids. Had he not wanted the fight in order to feed his ego, he would have a second semester paid for.
I’m mad at a stupid system that allows a bonehead father to play around with children’s lives for no reason other than to feed his narcissist supply and a legal system’s false sense that it is helping families.
I’m mad because my ex sucks.
I’m also relieved. How? Because my ex has been more focused on his own crisis than me and that he has left me alone. I haven’t gotten the weekly angry emails from him. And I am pretty sure he is leaving my kids alone, too. At least he has left our minor child alone.
As a typical victim of longterm abuse, I think about how this will effect my future. I spend time, maybe too much time, looking ahead and trying to figure out how events could play out so that I’m emotionally, legally, financially prepared.
My prediction here is that two outcomes are most likely: 1. My ex gets another job in a different town, likely far away and leaves or 2. He stays unemployed and stays living 3 miles away from me, but without the means to harass me.
In any case, my ex will likely stop harassing me for at least a while. His actions are likely to flip now, as he tries for sympathy.
But, all of this to say, I am upset because I have spent any time thinking about this, writing about it, talking about it. I hate that I am still connected to the ups and downs of my abusive ex-husband.
Obviously, I still have a ways to go to be healed.
I so want to focus on my own life and not his. I want no contact for real. But, trying to anticipate what he will do next has been a part of my life for so long, it is hard to break.
I am grateful that I have this blog and for Google! I have Googled more than a dozen times in the last few days, how to deal with this. As I read about narcissists, domestic abuse and PTSD, I know that I am not alone and I know that I can get there.
So, as I end, I’m feeling better. I will push away from my laptop and go take a walk and try to think about my life, and what I want to do with my current, if only temporary, freedom from my abuser.