Excerpt from new book about co-parenting with an abusive ex

How to co-parent coverThis new Amazon ebook is due for release Dec. 13, 2015. Here is an excerpt:

“How to co-parent with an abusive ex and stay sane _ is that even possible?

What’s next, “How to lose weight without dieting or exercising?” Sure, whatever. If I overeat and sit around all day, I’m not going to lose weight.

How does anyone co-parent with an abusive ex and stay sane? Simple, don’t co-parent with an abusive ex.

Frankly, if you have that choice, take it. It’s the best option.

Abusers abuse and divorce doesn’t stop their need. If you share children together, you will always be an easy target.

However, most of us don’t have that choice. Since the mid-1990s, family courts believe abusers have the right to parent their children, and children have a right to be parented by abusers _ because the abuser is a parent.

To make matters worse, most family courts don’t want hear too many details about the abuser’s actions. Nor do parenting coordinators or attorneys. Even family and friends don’t want to know. And maybe even your children don’t want to know.

I didn’t either and I was the victim.

Abuse is painful and hard to look at, especially when we are invested in the abuser. No one wants to see the ugliness of domestic abuse. Why would we? Abusers look normal enough that we may marry them. We start to build a life with them. Trust them. Love them. Then at some point, they pull the rug out from under us.

They show their true colors and rip us apart. Who wants to see that….

How can you co-parent with your abusive ex and stay sane. Well, the truth is, it isn’t easy and sometimes you can’t stay sane through this. But, I know from my own experience and the experience of others that with life hacks, resiliency and your undying love for your children, you can maintain your sanity and even thrive through this craziness.
Though I know that this book doesn’t give you the real, direct answer you want _ to avoid co-parenting with your abusive ex_ I hope it will give you solid tips to help you get through this nightmare without losing your sanity forever.”

 

WHAT MIGHT BE THE UNDERLYING CAUSE OF THE RAY RICE INCIDENT?

I hope that it will finally bring the need society pressure on abusers. Firm boundaries with severe consequences will stop abusers from abusing. We need to stop treating abuse like its a domestic situation. It isn’t. It is the result of one person deciding to exploit another for their own gain. Exactly the same reason why one person decides to shoplift, or rob a gas station, or … rape someone. The abuser is solving an emotional problem or a financial problem or any problem he has but hurting another human being and abusers have learned that they can do this quickly, easily and without a lot of consequences, to their partners. It works for them. We need to stop allowing it to work for them. I’ve written a lot about his topic www.bruisedwoman.com

I’m changing the name of DV, so that victims will get help

Aug. 9, 2013 _ For 10 years, I was physically assaulted by my then husband and I didn’t believe I was in a domestic violent relationship.

I didn’t believe I need the help of an emergency shelter. I didn’t need the police. I didn’t need anything but answers from someone who figured out our marital problems, so that we would stop having violent incidents.

I believed that I was just as much responsible for the abuse as my husband because I was arguing with him about whatever and I was not able to find peace with my husband. I believed that I was involved in a difficult relationship, equally and maybe mostly, to blame for the downward spiral of our dynamic.

I labeled our relationship “a bad or difficult relationship” that lacked all the good qualities I craved: communications, empathy, understanding, love.

It took a very long time for me to accept that I was in a “domestic violent” marriage and I was the victim of this very common problem.

It took me a very long time to realize that being a victim means that I am not responsible for the abuse I took and I did not cause the assault. I may have played a role in difficult marriage, but I was not the slightest bit responsible for the abuse.

The only person responsible for the abuse was my husband and the reason we had such a difficult marriage is because my husband abused me when he decided abuse was his best offense to get what he wanted when he wanted it.

I was a victim of domestic abuse and that looks a lot like someone who is partly responsible for a difficult relationship.

I was very resentful about being the target, the scapegoat, the punching bag for someone who abuses others. I was hypersensitive to a lot what my husband did because sometimes, what he did really hurt. I was anxious a lot, because I had something to be anxious about. I was paranoid, because someone I lived with would do unthinkable things to me.

I looked a lot like an angry controlling wife to the outside world. I wasn’t though. I was an abused victim in denial and shock about my situation.

I desperately want to reach others, other victims and let them know something they may not want to hear. They are domestic abuse victims, not women (or men) in a difficult marriage.

I keep thinking that the correct term in victims of a traumatic relationship, instead of domestic abuse victims. If we change the name, maybe we will reach more women who know something is really wrong, but don’t know or want to know its domestic abuse.

It seems easier to say you are a victim of a traumatic relationship then to say you are the victim of a domestic abuse.

The key word is victim. Being a vicim of anything means that you were not responsible for what happened to you. I was a victim of violence at the hands of someone who wasn’t suppose to assault me, ever for any reason.

I was a victim exactly the same as if I was the victim of disease. I didn’t bring it on by my behavior. I was blindsided by it.

My responsibility for my own victimization came when I stayed long enough to be hit again. And that is also where it ended. My angry self didn’t cause abuse. I wasn’t in some dance that caused abuse.

I happened to marry an abuser, something I did not know when I got married and got pregnant by an abuser. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t earn it. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time by no known action on my part.

For all of those victims who think they have to change some behavior, you do, but it is not the behavior he or others are telling you. You need to accept that you are not the reason why you are hit and therefore, you can’t be the reason why he will stop hitting you.

You can make it much more difficult for him to hit you, you can leave and put a very big locked door between you. You can go to the police. You can speak out and let everyone in your life know that you are getting hit.

That is your best hope to make it stop. But, you go ahead and call him an ass, he is. You go ahead and call him a criminal, he is. You go ahead and be mad that you were hurt by him. Who wouldn’t be.

And when you come to accept that you are not just in a bad relationship, you were hooked up with an abuser and you can be OK again. Hang in there.

Forgive me, DV agencies need to improve

August 8, 2013 _ I am very grateful for the services offered by my local domestic abuse agency and the support I have received, but, um, I think the agency needs to make a dramatic change.

And, I think that most agencies need to do the same _ that is, completely reevaluate the goal, the services and the approach. As I write this, I want the hit the delete key and erase all of this and just accept the services that are provided for free! But, to do so would be to deny the feelings I feel and continue the “just shut up and accept it” mentality that got me into this mess in the first place.

So, I’m going to point out a few things that I see and how we can improve services for the victims of domestic abuse.

  1. Do not hold support groups that are lead by young, unmarried college kids who have never experienced abuse. I sat last night in such a group meeting with four other victims. The leader, a nice enough young women, more or less “taught” us how to set boundaries off a printed sheet that included how we women need to give ourselves 30 minutes to meditate or read and stand up to friends who ask too much. Yep, she is right, but the frozen daze on these women’s faces told me something really important _ these women are suffering big time and lessons in self-care is like trying to cure cancer with aspirin. Our group leader was trying her best, but she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t get what is going on. She set up one more voice in the heads of these women that they need to “do” something to make the abuse stop. Really? Victims are victims are victims. It sucks. The only thing a victim can “do” to make it stop is leave. The only thing a young therapist should be teaching a victim of abuse is that it is OK to leave.
  2. Don’t treat women like second class citizens. I love that my local agency hands out free stuff for women of abuse, but frankly the free bread and hygiene products getting handed out sure make me feel like they see me as a victim of life instead of a victim of abuse. I really appreciate the gift of the bread, but I don’t need bread, I need help in protecting my children from their abusive father. I need help understanding a legal system that doesn’t understand domestic violence. I need help recovering from abuse and how it made me feel. I need help dealing with PTSD. Your loaves of bread, make me feel like you see me as incapable. Wow, did I really write that .. Yes, I did. But frankly, treating domestic abuse victims like they are charity cases just keeps the shame alive.
  3. Create programs that help women navigate their way out beyond the emergency shelter. I was financially beholding to my abuser, unemployed, and so on, but I would never have left him if all I had was a temporary shelter. I left because I figured out how to get out without having to go to a shelter. Why do you think so many women stay? This is the alternative? Community living with strangers in a temporary setup with your kids? Who wants that? I learned how to take a blow from my husband. I had some piece of normalcy with my abuser. And hey, I paid the price and got what I got. I’m not saying the shelter wouldn’t have been better for us, but if your agency is saying it wants to help, then maybe you should think about what really will.

Look, I’m not trying to push aside all that agencies do. I use them after all. But, I am saying that there is a mindset that needs changing. Victims are just that, victims of someone’s criminal abuse. They are not stupid for staying with an abuser. They are hurt. And hurt people need help, but the right kind. They need to process the trauma they have experienced.

They need to know that they are NOT the reason they have been abused. They need to know that they can get through this and find joy on the other side. They need to know that there are people, in this crazy evolving world, who understand.

The do not need lessons in life any more or any less than any of us. Think of it this way, imagine what you would say to a person who lost their leg in a car accident in which they were the passenger. Gee, let me teach you how to drive a car so this won’t happen again.

Umm, may be helpful, but that is not what that victim is thinking about.

It’s time to listen to those who have been through it and understand how much it sucks. And if you want to help, well then, ask a victim, “How can I help you?” or simply say, “I’m here.”

I’ll write more about this because there is so much more to say, including, thank you to all those who help and give to victim agencies.