Life with an abuser

No More Domestic Abuse
No More Domestic Abuse

One day I was happily awaiting the birth of my first baby in what I thought was a “normal marriage”, the next I was being choked at the hands of my husband, an NFL sports writer of national fame, and became a “victim” of domestic violence. The next 10 years of my life I battled an abusive and controlling husband until I finally “got it” and left with my children and started a new life.

He last touched me in 2005, but he hasn’t given up on his controlling ways. In 2011, he sued me for custody of our two teenagers, even though one of my children was 16 years old and both saw their father each week. He lost his battle against me but hasn’t given up on trying to dominate me in any way that he can. My one child is now an adult, thank God and my years of court-order involvement with my ex are coming to an end. Now, I pray for my children and hope that they will not be hurt by their father.

This blog is my story and my therapy. Each blog I write is a venting of the pain and sorrow life connected to an abuse has caused me. Writing in real time, all post reflect how I was feeling and what I was experiencing at the moment.

I hope that my story will help others. I hope that my journey will guide others through their own hell with an abuser, a narcissist personality disorder in their life. Feel free to leave a comment. God Bless.

cover of book copy
Available on Amazon.com

Looking for answers? Visit the Amazon link for a new book about co-parenting with an abuser:

This new Amazon ebook  released Dec. 20, 2015. Here is an excerpt:

“How to co-parent with an abusive ex and stay sane _ is that even possible?

What’s next, “How to lose weight without dieting or exercising?” Sure, whatever. If I overeat and sit around all day, I’m not going to lose weight.

How does anyone co-parent with an abusive ex and stay sane? Simple, don’t co-parent with an abusive ex.

Frankly, if you have that choice, take it. It’s the best option.

Abusers abuse and divorce doesn’t stop their need. If you share children together, you will always be an easy target….”

15 thoughts on “Life with an abuser

  1. Your Friend February 8, 2010 / 12:48 am

    I am sitting here weeping, my heart aching, with, ironically, the Super Bowl playing in the other room. I’m just overwhelmed with grief for you.

    Thank you for sharing this and bringing me into your circle of support.

  2. bruisedwoman February 8, 2010 / 2:22 am

    Thank you very much. Your support means a lot to me. I know. It is painful. But with time, education and the support of friends and family, I am healing.
    Again, it means a lot to me that you took the time to read this and give your support. But mostly, it feels good to break the secret and hopefully end a cycle. Take care

  3. katlwales June 22, 2013 / 9:10 am

    You’re very brave for sharing your story and I hope that others who are in need of help find some strength from your story x

    • Blogger June 22, 2013 / 9:37 am

      Thank you very much.

  4. Starry-eyed-no-more June 26, 2013 / 1:37 am

    Your blog touches me, you know what I am going through so well. How did you cope with the anger and frustration post-separation at their peak? Are there particular things that set you off now, that really make you angry? How do you respond to those hot buttons? I have always been a peaceful person but I’ve been put into a meat grinder and what comes out on the other side doesn’t look recognizable.

    • Blogger June 26, 2013 / 4:32 pm

      Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your story. Yep, my moods and “happiness” ebbs and flows as I manage the challenge of co-parenting with my abusive ex. But, I know that processing the trauma is the key. I give myself as much time as I can to cry and be sad and mourn the loss of a fantasy about family life I wish that I could have provided my children.
      So here are the answer to your questions:
      1. How do I cope? I got help. I went to my local domestic abuse center and got into free, excellent therapy. I set aside as much time alone that I can so that I can force myself to “feel” the pain of it all. No avoiding, or at least I try to refrain from avoiding behavior as much as I can stand it. But the best thing I’ve done so far is to create an environment of no contact with him. Or very limited contact. When he emails, txts, calls or sends message through our children I ignore him as much as I can legally. This creates a gap between trauma and time for me to heal. It also reduces the drama between us that he thrives on.
      2. Set me off? Yep … when I think he is using our children to get to me … when he plays “father” in areas that I know he doesn’t mean or won’t handle well … when he accuses me of wrong-doing or being a bad mother.
      3. How do I respond … NO CONTACT. I have to keep from showing him ANY emotion at all. I have to pretend that he is dead. I do not engage with him anymore. This is very hard because there is a part of me that thinks that I can lessen his outbursts by talking to him or figuring him out … but No contact is the quickest way to heal.
      I know what you mean about the meat grinder. I agree. It is pretty bad and crazy making… but I am heading out of it and getting better every day.
      Keep at it and keep feeling it. And remember that you are not in this alone. You can always post here. I can read them almost immediately and I will be happy to offer support. Hang in there and keep going. Life is too good to let a broken person take you down.

  5. wordfromthestreet August 5, 2013 / 10:53 am

    This kind of thing has become all to common now. Not only are women at risk from this but also their children. May God give you and your children the strength, wisdom and grace to get through this difficult time. I grew up in an abusive home and it caused many problems for me later in life. But thank God, He had mercy on me and healed my emotions. Now He has allowed me to comfort those with the same comfort that He gave me. I believe that God will do the same for you as well. God bless.

  6. taylorkaren August 14, 2013 / 1:57 pm

    Thanks for sharing your experiences through your blog. There are women who need to know that someone can identify with their pains and frustrations from abusive relationships. You can hold their hands through the encouragement and advice you give here. All the best. Will follow your posts.

    • Blogger August 14, 2013 / 6:49 pm

      Thank you for reading and your kind words. I appreciate it so much. Have a great evening.

  7. janishillard December 5, 2013 / 7:29 pm

    I just wanted to say that I appreciate your blog very much. It takes a lot of courage to come out about abuse. I’m not a survivor of domestic abuse, but I am of rape. I’m also an assault activist.

    Over the years I have come to believe that telling my story and getting involved in assault prevention is key. I also feel that it’s time that survivors stand together – not only in community – but against the misconceptions and stigma that are heaped upon us. With that being said, I would like to tell you about my project that I’m working on called Edipus. It’s a concert that features all-male performances who’s participation is solely in the name of sexual assault. I believe that all men are not rapists nor do they condone it – they just don’t know what to do about it or how to get involved with becoming the solution. Ergo, Edipus.

    Please check out my personal blog about the movement at : htttp://janishillard.blogspot.com

    Cheers,
    Janis

    Be brave. Be Edipus .
    http://www.edipus.org

  8. Beverley September 17, 2014 / 4:46 am

    What can I say, :/. I truly understand, I am sorry you had to go through this, from what I have read so far, I believe I have lived your life. I hope you grow stronger everyday. I hope the past will not define your future. In fact all we can do is hope. I pray that healing will come to you through your post. Good decision, keep writing ok.

    • Blogger November 24, 2015 / 9:04 pm

      Thank you Beverley. I appreciate your support and so sorry for what you have been through too. Take care!

  9. Sierra February 29, 2016 / 1:21 am

    Thank you for creating this website. After searching for literature about this topic I came across an article you wrote and that led me to this webpage. I am trying my best to piece my life together and I thought the battle was done but I am now seeing it has just begun with raising our children together. It feels like a cage and you will never be free from it and at times you want to scream! But I continue to pray and thank God I found others like you willing to share your story to help. Thank u!

    • Blogger March 24, 2016 / 9:24 am

      Hang in there! it does get better.

  10. brave survivor June 12, 2016 / 2:00 am

    This is a great find. We as victims of abuse need all the support we can get. I was with my abusive husband for over 10 years and now being divorced and remarried and 10 years has passed, the abuse still comes from my ex husband. I have 3 children which he manipulates and plays games with to get back at me. He emails and texts with abuse and I wonder if I ever will be free of it. Life is a challenge without having to deal with an abusive ex husband. I value the support of all women who have been through abuse. We must all stick together. I am a survivor of domestic violence but much more needs to be done to get it out there in the public eye to make a change. Why should we as survivors still have to be in contact with our abusers? Just because we have children together shouldn’t mean we have to keep contact with them.

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